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Advice

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Dear Gretchen,

How do you keep your hair so shiny?
     - Frizzy in Fresno

Dear Frizzy,

Hair is a sign of health and vitality, but keeping a lustrous mane takes time and effort. Wash twice. Always put a shower cap over conditioner and let sit for ten minutes. And remember, comb – do not brush – when wet.

Dear Gretchen,

How can I, a 20 year old male without any worldly consequence, become her next victim? Nothing do I long for more than to be the numerical equivalent to nothing - yet another stroke on the long scarred pole of victims for our reigning Queen of Crime. How may I become anonymous victim number 23?
     - William Hart, San Antonio, TX

Dear William,

And they say young people today lack ambition.  You, sir, are a shining star.  San Antonio, you say?  I'll be right over. 
Yours,
Gretchen.
P.S.  I like your last name.

Dear Gretchen,

Do you know where I can find a braided Cat-o-Nine flogger?
   - Janet, Cincinnati

Hi Janet,

Try www.spartacusleathers.com

 

Gretchen,

My husband and I went from having sex two or three times a week, to sex only once or twice a month.   He says he’s “tired” or his “back hurts,” but I worry that he’s lost interest in me.  What should I do?
   - Unhappily Married.

Dear Unhappy,

Kill him with a knife.

 

Dear Gretchen Lowell:

For some time now I have considered myself something of a professional flesh etiquettician.  I say that because I have been honing my skills, my techniques, if you will, for years.  When I first began my personal quest I hadn’t the least wit concerning just how fathomless the depths of experience would be.  How could I know the ecstasy underneath the epidermal reality. When I began, I studied, with something of a scholarly approach, Fakir Musafar.  Over the years and with a strategy of apprenticeship, at least of the mind, I perfected techniques of tight-lacing, suspension, scarification.  I take some pleasure in relating to you that my waist is currently at 24 inches, and the pearled white of the scars at my collarbone are, well, as fine as antique lace.  But with the help of my dentist, who as it happens, has something of a second life not in the mouths of patients but in the mouth of certain sexual practices, particularly those denoted as categories of excess, and who, somewhat crassly has developed an economic system related to the organ traffic industry, I have entered a much higher realm.  To date, three of my organs have been removed successfully.  Each lives in the body of someone of national origins different than my own.  I humbly offer myself. 

Dear Humble,

Good for you!  Thanks for writing.